The Problem with Fetlife & Newbies

Though it pains me to admit it, my country is successfully ruining our internet with all the porn and sexually implied bans on platforms that use to allow safe, free expression of ones kinks and fetishes. This has left these once loyal kinky members to seek refuge on Fetlife. Not that Fetlife wasn’t already a hot bed for predators and fake Doms as it was, but it seems that number have grown rapidly in the past few months. This concerns me greatly because most newbies like myself are easy prey. All that separates me from someone fresh off the vanilla boat is that the mistakes they’re probably about to make… I’ve already made.

For those of you who don’t know Fetlife is a social media platform for people who are in the BDSM and fetish community. This platform creates a safe place for everyone in the community to openly express themselves. I joined Fetlife in November of 2017 shortly after also joining a BDSM and Fetish group on Facebook. Since joining Fetlife, I have met so many great people who have shared so much knowledge with me about their kinks, where certain kinks come from, their personal experiences with BDSM, and I’ve even learned quit a lot about my own kinks as well. So… what’s the problem with Fetlife and newbies?

Fetlife is tricky to navigate. There is no guide to where to go, the kind of people to avoid, reasons you should be cautious when using Fetlife, phrases or words you should watch out for when talking to Doms, etc. Though there is a Newbie forum that all new members to the site are urged to follow if they are new to BDSM and Fetlife, it is not mandatory. It takes the person themselves to put forth the effort and want to read through the forum, ask questions, and be open to guidance and learning first. At this stage of kink discovery newbies place themselves in one of two categories.

There is the Eager Newbie who wants to explore different kinks, find a Dom or sub, have multiple play partners, have a bunch of sex, and visit dungeons right now. Unfortunately, these newbies coming into BDSM are overcome with excitement and don’t want to “work”; they want to play. Having to halt their eagerness to explore for several crash courses of BDSM do not interest them. This in turn opens up so many other problems for the more experienced members of the community and the newbies themselves.

Then there is the Gullible Newbie. These newbies do all their homework, ask questions, aim to make friends in the community, consider everyone in the lifestyle mentors, and puts their research into practice. Ultimately they do everything right, but still get tricked by a fake dom due to their subtle eagerness to explore, curiosity, and willingness to trust others. Theses types of newbies are a blessing to the more experienced members because they are upholding the pride of the BDSM community by remaining safe and sane despite their short comings. They are also looked at in a positive light because they are open to learning – which is a huge deal! However, these newbies require a protector which 98% of them will not have because …  how would they even know what a protector is or how to get one?

Something else that concerns me about Fetlife and Newbies is that there is an overload of information and no guide of how to use it. The forums are a perfect place to start but once you do it becomes a maze of information and rules. Within seconds BDSM is suddenly a university and your kinks and the fundamentals of BDSM are the courses and you have no clue which classes to take first. (For those of you who have attended college, you know how awfully stressful that is!) . I remember when I jumped into the forums eager to meet people in the lifestyle and make friends I was met with rules and regulations, consequences, and protocols. By the end of my reading this forum, I felt like I had cramped two textbook chapters worth of a psychology into my head. I was intrigued but also very overwhelmed. I couldn’t stand to read another sentence.

I wish Fetlife provided more for people’s safety. Knowing how intense and particular this lifestyle can get, there really needs to be something in place to protect us newbies, not just forums. Personally I think that Fetlife should implement badges that each new member gets when they first sign up for Fetlife. A decent size test will determine what badge they receive, and that badge will display on their profile. Those badges will help others know who is new, experienced, a mentor etc. And Fetlife could take it a step further and color code them or whatever but this example is my hope. I want newbies to be and feel encouraged to do their homework. I want them to get excited about learning, and being safe. Otherwise, we’re just being allowed to be careless. Brittany Simon, a BDSM YouTuber and masochist told viewers in fellow BDSM YouTuber Evie Lupine’s video Common Newbie Misconceptions About BDSM that during a scene she was in – a guy walked into the scene and complimented her breasts. This is allegedly a very common issue in BDSM regarding newbies (i.e not knowing the most basic “Does and Dont’s”) and  these careless actions will tell everyone in the room one of two things. You’re either a disrespectful asshole, or an ignorant and incompetent newbie. Either way, expect to be immediately confronted by the Dom in the scene or any bystander!

Have you ever had any issues with Fetlife and finding helpful resources? Has Fetlife ever been able to serve you as a reliable guide with exploring BDSM and your kinks? Have “doms” or “dommes” ever contacted you and said questionable things to you or blatantly made you uncomfortable? Tell me your stories in the comment section below.

4 thoughts on “The Problem with Fetlife & Newbies

  1. Array says:

    issues is an understatement, after 5 years on Fet I deactivated my account last night, it’s not the over-eager new S types, we were all new once, and I do remember experiencing sub frenzy ( oh heck I had it bad) lol, as you said the ones that have done their research, are amazing, as are the new future D types that are genuine, these people are like manna from above
    I knew the stuffing was gonna hit the fan when those 50 shades of abuse movies were made, now everybody is saying oh I can do that, no, no you can’t … unless you wanna go to jail
    I got a lot of very disgusting private messages from fake doms unwanted pics, everything is about sex with them and nothing to do with BDSM, when they began with sweetheart baby little one etc, I dang near lost it, I am none of that to anyone other than my own Dom(s) I find it extremely offensive, so I left, Fet has become the hunting grounds for predators and abusers, new S types and littles.. the 2 primary targets.
    also despite being experienced, I have been duped twice, that alone is humiliating to me, that some fake fool tricked me, not once, but twice! I never figured it out until I actually met one of them in person, the moment he started calling me his slave and I will address him as master and do as he says… I knew he was fake, it scares me to think, what could have happened if I was a new over eager sub with zero experience… I did report him on Fet and posted everything on my wall pics of him included,
    the second go-around was with another google dom, he was smooth and very friendly and kept triggering the little side of me, said all the right things asked if he could friend me on FB, he interacted very well with my friends who are in our Ls and have been for years, the red flags started going up because … he was too perfect, knew what to say, how to say it and when, and then the isolation began, I never noticed at first but our chats were getting longer and longer and the tasks ( all non sexual) more and more would be added until I no longer had time for friends I have known for a decade plus, took a while to realize what was happening and what he was doing…as I said I never met him so it was fairly simple to get away from him even then I felt guilty for blocking him cuz he appealed to little space me and that’s the side of me that can get me in heaps of trouble
    on the positive side, I did make some good friends, other littles and some Dom/mes < just friends. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chloe says:


      Thank you for your feedback. I hope you enjoyed my entry on this matter!

      First I would like to start off by saying how deeply sorry I am that you had to experience that! I promise you, as much as I hate to admit it, I understand and I hate that it’s all led to you leaving Fetlife. The shark doms aside, Fetlife is a wonderful place. I hope one day you will return, and when you do I hope Fetlife will have gotten their s**t together.

      What do you mean when you say, “it’s not the over eager new s -types?” I like you hear your views.

      Yes, yes, and yes! I have experienced it all, I’m still experiencing it – Fetlife and Instagram. I was even offered $1500 to be a mans slave for the night a few days ago. It is bad! Shark doms are the vultures of BDSM and if you are left unattended, unprotected, or unarmed with the knowledge every newbie should have when coming into the lifestyle, they will come swooping and Jesus are they persistent! As you have told, they really will go the extra mile. The smooth talking, “nice” ones are the ones who really have to watch out for. They are worse than vultures, they are lions. Patiently waiting, stalking, and observing. Meanwhile, they are smooth talking you like a serpent. That’s the one that got me too. *deep sigh*

      I am happy though that you at least made friends in the midst of the betrayal and drama that seemed you billowed around you. Know you are not alone, and I hope that my blog will help you and others learn from any mistakes I’ve made or will make heheh. I wish us both the best as we continue down this beautiful rabbit hole called BDSM. ❤

      Warmest Regards

      Liked by 1 person

  2. chaotic-princess says:

    Thank you for replying to me,

    my comment about” it’s how it’s not even the new submissives,” is in reference to the inexperienced folks that are over eager to find a Dom/me , there is a heck of a lot of them since Tumblr and elsewhere, new”subs” to Fet, they kind of over ran some of the boards… sub frenzy.. fun fun fun lol

    I had meant to say not even the new possible submissives that flooded the Fet boards irked me or bothered me, and are not part of why I left, and the we were all new once, is a general reference directed at almost everyone in this Life ( me included) regardless of experience we were all new to this life and probably behaved a lot like the folks that came over from Tumblr… many of us (me included) didnt have google so when we embarrassed ourselves, we did it live in person, as I said I would never shame or mock anyone for any reason, I was laughing at myself and the memories

    very poorly written on my part I am sorry ,

    thank you kindly for your time


    • Chloe says:

      Oh it’s quit alright. This blog is open to all opinions. I encourage conversation here. Especially in the case of problems like these. So thank you for sharing your point of views and stories.

      I personally feel that the eager and gullible submissive both have their flaws, but eager subs have so much raw emotions, needs, wants and desires. HOWEVER, this two (gullible and eager) are interchanging.

      Sub frenzy is a nightmare to go through no matter who you are. I felt like a wild animal and no matter how much I tried to control myself the animal inside me took over. If you have read my entry on Sub Frenzy, I hope you take a look at it, and relate. It was one of the first hard lesson of BDSM that I learned and I’m sure it is for many newbies.

      Regarding your comment about the subs who have come over from other social media platforms, I sure some in the mix were new to the lifestyle and some were more experienced and had good heads on there shoulders. Yes, we were all new once and that is why I want two things to happen between subs and doms. 1) subs continue to look after subs and become more active in doing so (not just Doms), and 2) Doms in general buckle down on fake doms (sharks) and continue advocating for a no tolerance environment supported by educational information about BDSM fundamentals that everyone (including new subs) are to adhere to. Ignorance is not excusable for things that are common knowledge in this community; like walking into an ongoing scene (like seriously come on!).

      I just want us all to be safe and protected at both ends. Ones own knowledge of BDSM, kink, and fetish, fellow s-types and d-types who are in your support group ready help and guide you.

      Otherwise… we could end up in a situation we can’t turn back from.

      Thank you again for your response to this entry. I look forward to hearing more opinions, stories, and insight from you. ❤


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