The Problem with Fetlife & Newbies

Though it pains me to admit it, my country is successfully ruining our internet with all the porn and sexually implied bans on platforms that use to allow safe, free expression of ones kinks and fetishes. This has left these once loyal kinky members to seek refuge on Fetlife. Not that Fetlife wasn’t already a hot bed for predators and fake Doms as it was, but it seems that number have grown rapidly in the past few months. This concerns me greatly because most newbies like myself are easy prey. All that separates me from someone fresh off the vanilla boat is that the mistakes they’re probably about to make… I’ve already made.

For those of you who don’t know Fetlife is a social media platform for people who are in the BDSM and fetish community. This platform creates a safe place for everyone in the community to openly express themselves. I joined Fetlife in November of 2017 shortly after also joining a BDSM and Fetish group on Facebook. Since joining Fetlife, I have met so many great people who have shared so much knowledge with me about their kinks, where certain kinks come from, their personal experiences with BDSM, and I’ve even learned quit a lot about my own kinks as well. So… what’s the problem with Fetlife and newbies?

Fetlife is tricky to navigate. There is no guide to where to go, the kind of people to avoid, reasons you should be cautious when using Fetlife, phrases or words you should watch out for when talking to Doms, etc. Though there is a Newbie forum that all new members to the site are urged to follow if they are new to BDSM and Fetlife, it is not mandatory. It takes the person themselves to put forth the effort and want to read through the forum, ask questions, and be open to guidance and learning first. At this stage of kink discovery newbies place themselves in one of two categories.

There is the Eager Newbie who wants to explore different kinks, find a Dom or sub, have multiple play partners, have a bunch of sex, and visit dungeons right now. Unfortunately, these newbies coming into BDSM are overcome with excitement and don’t want to “work”; they want to play. Having to halt their eagerness to explore for several crash courses of BDSM do not interest them. This in turn opens up so many other problems for the more experienced members of the community and the newbies themselves.

Then there is the Gullible Newbie. These newbies do all their homework, ask questions, aim to make friends in the community, consider everyone in the lifestyle mentors, and puts their research into practice. Ultimately they do everything right, but still get tricked by a fake dom due to their subtle eagerness to explore, curiosity, and willingness to trust others. Theses types of newbies are a blessing to the more experienced members because they are upholding the pride of the BDSM community by remaining safe and sane despite their short comings. They are also looked at in a positive light because they are open to learning – which is a huge deal! However, these newbies require a protector which 98% of them will not have because …  how would they even know what a protector is or how to get one?

Something else that concerns me about Fetlife and Newbies is that there is an overload of information and no guide of how to use it. The forums are a perfect place to start but once you do it becomes a maze of information and rules. Within seconds BDSM is suddenly a university and your kinks and the fundamentals of BDSM are the courses and you have no clue which classes to take first. (For those of you who have attended college, you know how awfully stressful that is!) . I remember when I jumped into the forums eager to meet people in the lifestyle and make friends I was met with rules and regulations, consequences, and protocols. By the end of my reading this forum, I felt like I had cramped two textbook chapters worth of a psychology into my head. I was intrigued but also very overwhelmed. I couldn’t stand to read another sentence.

I wish Fetlife provided more for people’s safety. Knowing how intense and particular this lifestyle can get, there really needs to be something in place to protect us newbies, not just forums. Personally I think that Fetlife should implement badges that each new member gets when they first sign up for Fetlife. A decent size test will determine what badge they receive, and that badge will display on their profile. Those badges will help others know who is new, experienced, a mentor etc. And Fetlife could take it a step further and color code them or whatever but this example is my hope. I want newbies to be and feel encouraged to do their homework. I want them to get excited about learning, and being safe. Otherwise, we’re just being allowed to be careless. Brittany Simon, a BDSM YouTuber and masochist told viewers in fellow BDSM YouTuber Evie Lupine’s video Common Newbie Misconceptions About BDSM that during a scene she was in – a guy walked into the scene and complimented her breasts. This is allegedly a very common issue in BDSM regarding newbies (i.e not knowing the most basic “Does and Dont’s”) and  these careless actions will tell everyone in the room one of two things. You’re either a disrespectful asshole, or an ignorant and incompetent newbie. Either way, expect to be immediately confronted by the Dom in the scene or any bystander!

Have you ever had any issues with Fetlife and finding helpful resources? Has Fetlife ever been able to serve you as a reliable guide with exploring BDSM and your kinks? Have “doms” or “dommes” ever contacted you and said questionable things to you or blatantly made you uncomfortable? Tell me your stories in the comment section below.